Emotional bank accounts
How to build trusting and secure connections
One of my favorite ideas in Stephen Covey’s 7 Habits of Highly Effective People is the idea of emotional bank accounts. We all have an emotional bank account. Every time we do something kind for another person, we make a deposit into their account. And every time we ignore their needs or hurt their feelings, we make a withdrawal.
We can make deposits or withdrawals into other people’s accounts, but we need to stay in balance to build trust.
It is easy for relationships to get out of balance. We can get complacent with those closest to us. They don’t mind if we make a withdrawal now and then because they love us. But if we do it too often, they will resent it. Similarly, if we make too many deposits without receiving anything back, we start to feel like our own account is overdrawn, and we may feel resentful ourselves.
Coaching questions:
What are 3 deposits you could make into the emotional bank account of someone close to you?
What are 3 withdrawals you want to avoid?
Given that the only side of the relationship we have any control over is our own, actions such as taking care to appreciate the other person for their efforts, validating their feelings, performing small acts of kindness, and offering to help will go a long way to build trust and a more secure connection. When a situation arises where you need to make a withdrawal, the relationship will be more resilient because it has a healthy bank balance.